NurseEd's Xanga

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:07:24 GMT

Don't know exactly how to approach this, so here goes.....

A few years ago, a neighbor of mine offered one night to take me to a casino. I figured, sure what the heck, it'd be fun. The jingling bells of the machines, the flashing lights, the cool a/c, the way a local area lit up when someone won big.... it was cool. I liked the way the machines back then spit quarters at you when you won something, and then you'd walk around with these tubs of change until it got too heavy then you'd cash it in and go play some more.

Well, what can you expect. I have a gambling addiction. Don't know how better to say it than that. I made excuses for a long time. It was just a fun thing to do. I didn't spend a lot of money on it. It was my money, after all, I earned it and we didn't have too many bills. I always had enough come the next payday. I even had stuff in savings.

Don't ever walk into a place like that and think you can walk out with your shirt on. The past few years, I've run up credit cards, I've spent almost my last dollar in the paycheck, I've used some (not all, of course) of my savings. I've logged many miles on the car running up there at the last minute, thinking I could just walk in with $50 and win something. It's never enough. I get into this fever mode, and soon I'm jabbing at the "max bet" button thinking that if I could just hit that bonus I'd be ok. It's moved from a "hobby", something entertaining to imbibe in, to a compulsion, an obsession, something that runs (ruins) my life. Once my $50 or $100 or whatever I originally brought in, is gone then I'm running to the ATM machine to get more. I've tried a lot of stuff to stop - I've cut up credit cards and got them back again. I've tried leaving my wallet in the car, then just run out and get it anyway. I've tried to play with just a designated dollar limit like I've heard a lot of other people talk about. It just doesn't work.

So how do you control gambling? I've come to the conclusion that you can't "control" gambling. Gambling has to be stopped. It's an all or nothing kind of thing, sort of like someone who's trying to quit drugs or alcohol. Anyone reading this is probably sitting there thinking, "Yeah, duh!" Many many people are able to control their money well, and can tend to sit in judgement on those who can't. They think, "Well just stop, after all, it's a waste of money so just don't go anymore". Dunno that it's going to be that easy. I don't know if I can stop. For those godly folks out there, where is God when a person is doing something destructive to theirself? Does God play a role in these types of things - I mean, if a person becomes aware that he really really has a problem with something and sorta doesn't want to quit but knows he needs to - what happens? My sneaking thoughts want to say that this is MY problem, I got myself into this and I should be able to get myself out. Is that right? Does God hold that over a person's head, or is there a certain change of heart that can come over a person? What has to happen in order to get me to stop?

I don't know - I don't have the answers. I just know that this has become an issue bigger than I can control right now. I'm aware that this may bring some disappointment to some people I know..... for that I'm sorry, but hey, welcome to another facet of the otherwise imperfect life of a once proud person. And don't gamble - it just ain't worth it.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:55:17 GMT

Well I've had requests to write so here I yam.

Not sure what to say. We're in the "summer" months here on Delmarva. I say "summer" because the nights are still cool and we're still getting days where the temps hardly go above 80 degrees. I don't mind it. My bodily temps have changed since I've gotten older and I don't take the heat as well as I used to. Nor does Mowgli the Dog, who, when you walk him, pants and hoarses in his throat like he's running a marathon. Spooky the Cat spends as much time indoors as she can and if you make her go outside, she comes back in complaining and making a nuisance of herself. So it's just easier to turn on the a/c and soak it all in.

Andrew, our resident night-owl, has finally graduated. We held our breath many times for him. He missed so much time during his senior year that the school finally started drawing ultimatums in terms of his schedule. He'd meet them for a while, then fall behind again. Finally, they gave him his diploma. He refused to walk in the ceremony, but hey, I'll take it. He messed up on several job opportunities, so right now is without work, but he's talking of getting his uncle to help him join the army. Not sure he's emotionally ready for it, but we'll also take that.

I'm still working for Stockley. From March to June some time I was out from shoulder surgery. My surgeon operated arthroscopically and removed a large bone spur that was causing freezing in the joint. Now it's just tough tough tough rehab - lots of pain and still have stiffness. *sneezes* My insurance stopped paying for PT, so it's just me now. In fact, I have to get off of here and do my exercises for today.

Lori Jo has applied for a new job in the recently opened multi-purpose hospital at Stockley. She would be managing the care of the 40-some residents who live there. We havent' heard anything yet about the job, but she's up against 7 other people. So you can pray for her to get that. She would be working a lot of evening shifts, more or less matching my schedule. With me working evenings, we end up feeling like to ships that pass in the night - she kisses me in the mornings on her way to work while I'm still sleeping, and I (try) to kiss her when I come home. Usually she just grunts or gets irritated because I woke her up.

So I'll try to update here more often......CIAO

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:25:57 GMT

I'm bound for that beautiful city the Lord has prepared for his own,
Where all the redeemed of all ages sing glory around the white throne.
Sometimes I get homesick for heaven, and the glories I there shall behold......
What a joy that will be when my Savior I see in that beautiful city of gold!!!!

I'm not often in the habit of posting poetry. However, this is the chorus to a song that is best sung unaccompanied by any instruments, and the tune, tone and beauty of it are awesome. It's the kind of song that sends shivers down my spine and not just because of the way the music is arranged.

I realized the other day that I'm homesick. This is the song that was going through my head at the time. I believe in heaven - there's many times I just don't know if I'll make it there or not. Those are the times that I'm stuck on my own methods of salvation instead of what I believe from the Bible to be true. But anyway, sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about it.

The other thing I daydream about, more frequently recently, is the place where I grew up in Canada. Some friends of mine just took a trip up there, and I found myself envying them to no end. I miss the First Nations people I grew up with. I miss growing up, actually. There are time I feel like I've gotten so old, and I want to be young again, to have less responsibility, to just go up and see people. I would love to skate on the lakes, and feel the icy spray of snow in my face as I race a snowmobile with no hat on my head. I'd love to visit the inner city areas again and have coffee with my old friends at Tim Horton's. I want to paddle a quiet canoe across a glassy lake at sunset, and go out early in the morning to fish off the dock.

Why does getting older have to be so difficult?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:09:15 GMT

The process of trying to "get normal" is such a long one. Since I posted in June, I've been through several different medication trials finding something that will calm me while still providing me with the initiative and motivation to Get Things Done. In the past, I've had problems with terrible tension in my shoulders, arms, jaw - whole body, in fact. I had racing, repetitive thoughts, irritability, volatility. It was a struggle every day to react quietly to things that bothered me, and afterwards, I would just obsess about it.

When my incident happened in May, the psychiatrist placed me on Paxil. That helped a great deal to calm me; however, I've had problems for years with music in my head playing over and over again, interfering with my thought processes. The Paxil did nothing for that. She added Trilofon, which did nothing but space me out. She tried Zyprexa at night; it helped me go to sleep, but did nothing for my auditory hallucinations. Now I'm trying something completely diferent: Effexor. This is a whole seperate journey - I'm just starting it, and I have a horrible time getting to sleep at night. Then once I go to sleep, I sleep lightly. I have heartburn and nausea. They tell me that all this will go away in time, but right now, it's miserable. I've been drawing a great deal of support from www.dr-bob.org where he has a "psycho-babble" chat board. In the meantime, though, it's nice being able to go about my business during the day without pushing myself. If something comes up that I need to do, I just do it.

I'm ashamed to say I still smoke. In December, I honestly thought I was done, but that episode of severe depression kicked my butt. I don't sit around and make excuses for myself - I made the decision to start again, and haven't been in the frame of mind yet to quit. My diabetes still presents a challenge. My last HgA1c was 8.6, sharply higher than the previous three months. I'm on my second endocrinologist, since my initial one suddenly left practice. Dr. Snitzer is an amazing guy, very knowledgeable, and I trust his judgements. However, I'm still self-adjusting my basal rates on the pump. My sugars run so high during the day, even when I don't eat anything. I'm considering asking him if it would be ok to once again do a trial of metformin to slow down my liver's production of glucose.

In other news..... I still love my wife. My wife still loves her dog. This does not mean I love the dog. My wife still loves me - I'm so glad because I'm not very lovable sometimes. But neither is the dog. Andrew is a senior this year - he continually talks of quitting school which is causing us some stress. He no longer takes his medications, and we can't make him. So we go from day to day with him, something different every day. As long as he's not violent or abusive to his mother, I can handle it, I suppose, but I still perform mental gymnastics every day to keep myself calm about it.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

People tell me I've been away for a long time - well, I'm back (Robert DeNiro in Awakenings)

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:36:28 GMT

Depression and anxiety - lethal combinations of negative emotions that have turned unhealthy. It's natural for a person to feel sad, or to have worry about an event or situation. But when that person begins to process those events over and over in his mind, dwell on them, until they become his whole thought process - well, that's the unhealthy part. I've had a long journey in depression and anxiety recently.

In May, things came to a head. Something had to give, and I did. After a short episode of "snapping", screaming at the 911 operator across the phone and jabbing a knife repeatedly into things that weren't met to meet the point of a knife (not myself), I was led away in handcuffs. They're coming to take me away ho HO, they're coming to take me away ha HA to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time. Some of you may remember that song. Well, it wasn't the funny farm, but Dover Behavioral Health helped save my life and my mind. I spent 8 days there, receiving much needed rest, some solitude, group therapy, and medications. Now I'm back.

It's a long journey climbing out a hole like that. I receive outpatient counseling and see a psychiatrist. Imagine me, the guy who likes to read people and can intuitively tell who they really are or what they're feeling, needing to get advice on life. But one gets to the point where he realizes he doesn't know everything about life. I am happy to say that I don't, not even about my own life. I need people to tell me things that, quite frankly, are not new to me, but the fact that they apply to me is affirming. They're things one would usually learn in an AA meeting, like, you cannot control the world or other people - the only person you can exercise control over is yourself. Wow, what a novel idea!! But you see, your subconscious mind needs to learn stuff like that. I'm an intellectual person and I tend to overanalyze and think things through way too thoroughly, which leaves me paralyzed from action. I have a passive-agressive personality, which holds things in until they explode, then I say things I don't mean in ways I don't mean to say them, and do things I shouldn't do in ways that I don't mean to do them. I'm working on becoming more assertive in my communication. If that doesn't ring a bell with anyone, well, look it up on the internet.

To think of myself as having a diagnosable mental disorder is no longer a horror or a crutch. It is a necessity so that I can receive some help. Bipolar II disorder, unlike bipolar I, is a little harder to discover, but it is treatable. I work with people at my job every day who have mental illness themselves and need me to be at my best so I can understand, support, and treat them. I live with a boy who is (slowly) becoming a young man and who has definitely been diagnosed. He needs me to be at my best also, and his mother my wife needs someone to lean on and understand her as she continues to receive the brunt of his freqent irrational behavior. I am slowly returning to that state of being.

I'll be in touch......

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:40:24 GMT

"This evening, as I viewed a fantastic lightening display and the thunder rolled, I smoked my last cigarette. I don't usually litter, but I threw the rest of the pack out the car window as I drove home from work. It felt final. I know enough about overcoming addictions to wonder at people who think "Just say No" is all there is to it. That is certainly one aspect. But it's a very complex approach, and the manner in which this decision will impact my whole life frightens me a bit. However, others have quit and so can I."

I was reading back on some of my posts..... it's been 4 months, and we're both still clean. Lori Jo chews lots of gum, and I just will not to do it. It's hard, because much to my chagrin at admitting it, I didn't really want to quit smoking. Hey, does anyone really want to overcome a vice? It's the human condition that, deep in our hearts, we really want to continue. But if you're able to see where things will lead, sometimes you can get beyond some of those things. So it was in my case.

Not sure we're in the mood this year....sigh

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:30:17 GMT

Dunno why - it's just been a tough year, as I said before. Lotsa death.... Andrew came in last night after side-swiping another car at his friend's house. He had the nerve to badmouth the people he hit. Then he bawled us out for not letting him take our clothes iron over to his friend's place to iron his uniform for JROTC. Y'know - he's doing so good in a lot of stuff. But then he does this dumb crap, and it just kinda ruins things... *sigh again*

So whaddya do? Lori Jo asked me last night why I was getting upset about things - there's nothing you can do but pick up the pieces and go on. I told her, I'm a man. Men like to be in control of situations. I can't control these situations. So I'm upset. Well, then she blames herself for telling me. This wasn't the only thing that went bad for her yesterday - it'd take too long to tell the rest. I went to bed last night and wept because, at the moment, I felt pretty damn helpless. This morning, we both got up and well, there's light at the end of the tunnel somewhere isn't there? Just hope it ain't a train.

Had a good vacation last week. Went to Indiana (by myself, didn't like that part) to spend a few days with my beloved grandfather and my aunt's family. Was really relaxing, although I was off-synch with everything and my blood sugars were skyrocketing most of the week. Had some good talks with my kindred spirt, Grandpa Yoder. Even though his body is starting to fail, and his mind ain't what it used to be, he can still philosophize and follow a conversation pretty well. Got to visit my good friends Nate and John, lotsa deep conversation there.

So anyway.... Merry Christmas to all who read this site. I dump once in a while. Seriously, though, it's a therapeutic type of thing.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 12:33:07 GMT

My kids, Chelsea and Andrew, lost their grandmother this morning. Miriam died peacefully at PRMC in Salisbury from cancer. We received the diagnosis Thursday, and by Sunday, she was already unresponsive. Everyone had just enough time to get over and say their good-byes. Andrew was pretty taciturn this morning - he went to school as usual, right after he got word around 6:30 that she had passed an hour previously. Lori Jo went to work; I have no idea what I'm going to do. I had planned on going over there today to spend some time with Miriam. I had visited her for a long time Friday afternoon, but I think when I left, we both thought she'd be around a little bit longer. We think she's known for a while that she wouldn't be here long, but she didn't want any fanfare over her, no special attention. She missed her family members that have already died from cancer. I feel most badly for the children, who have so far this year lost their maternal grandfather, an aunt, their own father, and now their last grandparent. We're all quite numb, but I can't imagine what they must be feeling.......

I have an eye app't in the morning at 8. I need to keep this one, after all the lazer treatments I've had. The eye doesn't feel right; it seems like there's something there that's trying to block the vision, but isn't quite doing it. If that makes any sense. My blood sugars bouncing around like they do doesn't help matters any. The warranty on my insulin pump expires in February, so when I renew, I'll do a pump upgrade. This will enable me to accompany the infusion with a glucose monitoring system. This will require another set to be placed under my skin, to monitor the blood sugar and transmit results wirelessly to the pump - but it'll be worth it. In this way, I'll be able to set a range of blood sugars, say 70-140, on the pump. Then if my blood sugar approaches the top or bottom end of that range, the pump will alarm that I need to do something about it. In this way, maybe I can avoid the drastic bouncing around between very high and very low. The sudden spikes and sudden bottoms-out are what can cause the most wear and tear on a body; a high HgA1c is what can kill or damage organs. I'm not absolutely sure that my insurance company will pay for the glucose monitoring system - but if my endocrinologist and primary physician lean on them hard enough, perhaps we can make them see the value in it.

Wind is forecast for today with gusts in excess of 30mph. Wish we would get some snow with it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:39:41 GMT

Home from my 3-11 shift and trying to get tired enough to fall asleep. I honestly can't believe how slow this computer is navigating these sites - I mean, we're talking 20 to 30 seconds each hyperlink. Can't wait until our new Dell arrives. G'night everyone.....

Monday, November 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 17:34:51 GMT

Y'know, I'm catching up on different Xanga's and feeling just a pang of regret that I don't have more going in my life. (HA!) I know it's all a bit subjective. But reading NewDay's site this morning made filled me with wonder at the sheer energy with which some people live their lives......

LJ and I are still smoke-free, 3.5 months now. She is tapering off her Chantix. We both still ache for a drag at times, and she chews gum. Lots of it. Ferociously. With her mouth open. So I reach over and press her lips shut to give her a hint. I've stopped verbally reminding her - it doesn't do any good. But I love her. This morning, I nearly fell out of bed when she dressed in the same outfit that she wore on Friday when we braved the black shops to crowd - I mean, we braved the crowds to shop on Black Friday. Lori Jo never wears the same outfit twice - she owns more clothes than the Queen, and has more pairs of shoes than Imelda Marcos; she doesn't pay more than a couple dollars for anything she buys, but always manages to look good. So this morning was an exception - I told her I was going to call her incredibly vain friend, Lisa, at work and tell her that she was wearing an outfit that she wore over the weekend. The smittened look on my wife's face was priceless; she knows I wouldn't do a socially precarious thing like that, but I did think it was funny.

We had a lovely time with the whole family in the last couple weeks. My brother and his family will be heading to Mozambique with Mission Aviation Fellowship (www.maf.org), so they were here to give a presentation on their future work. Unfortunately, they couldn't be with our crowd on Thanksgiving day at my sis' place, where there was way more food than was healthy. By some miracle, I received the holiday off work in spite of being there only two years, so that'll probably never happen again.

The amount of schedule-upset over the holiday weekend threw all the pets into a tizzy. Andrew left, and we were gone a lot, and Mowgli the Dog is now pouting. He can really pout. He makes it a point to enter the room where one is watching TV or relaxing; he sighs heavily, walks slowly in front of the tv, and flops on the floor with his back pointedly toward you. He'll sniff once or twice, perhaps fart, and the mopey look he wears as he glares sideways at you is not for the faint of heart. Then he'll fall asleep and wake the dead with his snoring. Spooky the Cat is getting old, and has been so heavily traumatized by losing her mother, Chelsea, to life in the big city, that she now will not leave us alone. If one happens to sit down for a minute, she immediately hops on your chest and procedes to rub her face on your nose, purring loudly and digging her claws as she 'stomps' heavily. But let one start to procede to endeavor to try to make a slight move to arise, and she'll whine loudly, becoming a sudden dead weight that Will Not Move. If you forcibly remove her, she becomes a real b----, in the true sense of the word. Stupid Sneezy Zaffy, the other feline, is just that - sneezy, snotty, and incredibly stupid. She'll sit outside the sliding glass door, and look so pitiful that one (we won't say which one) lets her in. She then commences to tear madly about the house, sneezing snot wildly over the walls and prowling into dark corners in which no cat should be prowling. If one (that's this one) opens another door somewhere else, she's there immediately, tripping one up as he attempts to exit the house. Sometimes, this whole process takes only a couple minutes. So - life is interesting as usual. We certainly aren't thinking of adopting any children, but with this kind of zoology, who needs any more kids?

And a final word from the wise - I've learned, as I've matured, that one good turn gets all the blankets.